February 5,2017. Optimism
As I sat on the floor next to Buckley and watched him lick the peanut butter out of his Kong,I realized the importance of Optimism. Getting the peanut butter out of the Kong was the easy part. As he held the Kong between his front two paws, he used both his teeth and tongue to collect the peanut butter in his mouth. In this process, the peanut butter found its way to the roof of his mouth and collected on the fur around his mouth. I laughed as I watched him lick the air repeatedly. Quickly his tongue went in and out fighting against the sticky peanut butter. He was determined to enjoy his peanut butter,despite the amount of effort it required to actually eat it. It was his effort that brought thoughts of optimism. He knew he had to hold on to how satisfying the peanut butter was in order to continue working with ease to enjoy the successful outcome (delicious peanut butter!). When we are able to find hope in the challenging work we do, we can enjoy the process of achieving our successes. Buckley was doing just this!
March 16,2017. Change
Change is an incredibly scary concept, yet holds so much positivity and grow. So why is it we “freak-out” when change occurs or when we anticipate change? Often when our daily routine and structure are threatened, we have strong reactions, even when the change is in a direction in which our lives will end up more fulfilling. So why is it that moving into a bigger house, better neighborhood makes us anxious? Trust, is the first thing that comes to mind. Do I trust my abilities to ensure that life will in fact be the same or better? We each have routine and structure, which for the most part isn’t truly recognized until we don’t have it. This routine and structure is vital to our overall well being in that it is predictable, reassuring and comforting. Will the dog even enjoy walking in the new neighborhood? So here we are with a vision, which we are able to separate as “far” from the known, our change. Often times there is a questioning in our own abilities to navigate life and have the outcome be fulfilling. Am I able to recreate my routine and structure in my new environment? Those who are able to trust themselves off the bat are able to also recognize change isn’t the end all,be all. Instead they view change as a stepping stone to figuring out the next step, the different direction. In-turn they hold an excitement for change. They can do this because they view change as an evolving opportunity to achieve fulfillment, not as a permanent cul de sac.
When we trust ourselves anxiety can lay at bay. There is a comfort in knowing, “I will make it work.” When we are cognizant to change being a stepping stone we are more open to continuing to try until we are able to recreate what we had (usually something better!). We view each step as a learning opportunity for what we want or don’t want, rather than a failed attempt to achieve.
The more we explore change, the more we understand our own strengths at achieving homeostasis. Those open to change know if it doesn’t work out, I have the abilities to back track and “make” it work.
So the next time you’re invited to welcome a bit of change into your life, I encourage you to trust and embark on it. You never know, it may lead to a more fulfilling routine or structure.
April 17,2017 Moments
Have you ever stopped to think about the number of moments you’ve had in your time here on earth. As I sit on a prop plane, above a layer of clouds, in the sky somewhere between states, I’m curious. Why is it that some moments stand out? How come some moments I can remember details? Yet other moments can’t be recalled or lack any figment of detail. My curiosity comes into play as I debate if it is my own “ness” that allows moments to become different moments. Is it possible I have choice and control over the moments that occur in my life and my abilities to recall them?
I’m thinking yes. The moments I can recall in great length have occurred at times when I was in balance with the demands of life and my self-care. Meaning, life was good and I was happy with the things around me and happy with myself. I was at ease and could practice being mindful, which allowed me to be 100% in tune with that very moment. So where does this so called choice part come in? When we choose to be in balance we give ourselves the opportunity to embrace moments, taking in the details and the full experience. It is these moments we reminisce about. It is these moments we call memories.
We have the choice to choose how we experience moments. We can experience them with a negative mindset, stressed out, fearful, worried or anxious or Choose to experience them putting those ill feelings aside. When we experience moments with the burden of unpleasant thoughts (negativity,stress,worry,anxiety,fear) we are not fully present and therefore are unable to 100% experience the moment, which means, an inability to fully recall or the inability to create a memory of that moment. It’s like we end up just going through motions, and it’s these motions which do not stick, rather float away.
So in order to be 100% present one needs to be in balance, which we have control of ensuring. Balance entails doing things regularly for ourselves, keeping routine and structure and continually working towards goals. When we are in balance we lessen our vulnerability to the ill feelings that prevent us from creating memories.
This is a moment I choose to embrace and can, because I am in a good place. I will remember saying goodbye curbside. I will remember being pulled aside and scolded for having hair product over the allotted carry-on ounce size. I will remember the walk out of the airport, into the rain, to the tall male worker who took my suitcase. I will remember checking one last time to see what seat I was in as I walked up the narrow steps of the plane. I will remember not being sure if 12A meant I was an aisle sit or window seat and continuously poking my head back out to read the sign above me to figure it out. I will remember sitting in this burgundy colored seat for two hours and writing this very blog on my cell phone.
Moments. We have the choice to embrace them and create memories.
June 14,2017 Loss
How does one even begin to describe the emptiness…I have fears, I have questions, I lack understanding. I feel disengaged and like the time is passing too quickly. Really, I think unconsciously I’ve disengaged to not face the fact you’re gone. I miss you.. I hear you… I see you…I feel you… I cry to myself in moments of hopelessness. I’m mad at you for whatever it is that’s harmed you. I’m powerless, you’re gone and some how I’m to come to grips with this.
I remember waiting for you to arrive. I knew what I wanted and I waited for you. You were perfect. Tiny as can be and had the greenest eyes. You were spunky and the biggest cuddle bug. You’d sleep next to my tummy under the covers and run around my apartment getting into whatever you could find. Your favorite was cotton balls. I’d come home and they’d be everywhere. You’d be sprawled out with your big, yet super tiny, round belly hanging out to the side. You went places with me, like the Starbucks drive thru or on field trips to others’ homes. My job was to keep you safe, but really you kept me safe. You were a constant in my life. My happiness, my smiles. I didn’t hangout with friends because I didn’t want to leave you alone and always found myself eagerly waiting to spend time with you.
As you grew older you wanted more space, which gave me permission to come and go as I pleased. You’d greet me, you’d check-in. There was a period in which we grew apart physically. You in one place, I in another. Yet mentally, we remained close. I knew you were in good hands and could care for yourself. I missed your closeness, yet respected where we were. I appreciated the moments we did have and I fully trusted your judgment.
I’ll never forget calling for you that night. I called and you didn’t come. I called again and still, you didn’t come. I closed the door and went to bed assuming you’d be there in the morning, slightly annoyed you had to be out all night. Only you never came home.
Time has passed. I have signs up, I often drive around looking. Your food and water dishes and bed remain untouched; yet serve as a glimmer of hope.
It all changed in a blink of an eye and it hit me, hard. I had entered my grieving process. My personal journey of letting go and saying good-bye. Not by choice mind you, it literally just came. It was uncomfortable, numbing, intense and chaotic. So this is what it’s like to experience a sudden loss, any loss.
In this storm of emotions, I realized “goodbye” didn’t mean I had to forget about you or let go of you. In fact, I chose to keep you forever.
I will “spread” you around our home (such as use you bed as a magazine holder) and embrace your presence in a different way. I will begin to open the window for me and peer out of it as you once did. I will sit on the front steps and find comfort in the warmth of the sun like you once did. I will continue to thank you for giving me comfort, love, companionship and fulfillment. I may continue to become emotional in moments when I think of you or I may smile.
The beauty in grieving is the fact that it can be whatever you want it to be, at whatever moment you happen to be in. There’s no standard, there’s no right way, there’s no time constraint. I’ve found embracing each day’s emotions as a tribute to our relationship.
As more days pass, I settle into my new structure, which lacks your physical presence, and know I will be okay. Loss, it’s an event that tests us with multiple emotions at once to sort through. If we can give ourselves the space of attending to each differing day and emotion, the days pass and daily things become easier. Loss, it’s doesn’t mean goodbye, it means in a different way.
I LOVE YOU LULU!
Finding Balance in Life 